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alarming new evidence of pathological self-sabotage

alarming new evidence of pathological self-sabotage 01-internal monologue
02-fine, i'll admit it.
03-the invisible man
04-you have nothing to fear from me (self sabotage)
05-the invisible man (part 2)
06-fine by myself
07-invisible man (reprise)
08-no how
09-a moot point, to be sure.
10-warm regards
11-dream caused/interrupted by a phone call




internal monologue

sometimes i think i should keep these things to myself.


fine, i'll admit it.

i confess i've been in a state of unreal distress
i admit i just wanted to live for a bit


i relay my messages by satellite
i deny that everything is just 'alright'


if i had enough to tell you, then you wouldn't have to ask
if you had enough to tell me, then i wouldn't go so fast
if so much of my salvation wasn't tangled up in your hair
you wouldn't have to tell me "it's too bad [i'm] not there"


the invisible man

after all, i can barely see myself.


you have nothing to fear from me (self-sabotage)

even i can tell, without straining myself, that i've become impossible.
a darker time of year. your hand over my eyes, i can see your future now.

in the lines i can see, you have nothing to fear from me.
whatever else i say, okay.
i can live with that

an artificial light keeps me up at night. the sun is growing dimmer now.
a telescopic lens on microscopic trends. no wonder i can't see anything

in the lines i can see, you have nothing to fear from me
whatever else i say, okay, okay, okay.

it's okay to be happy, as hard as it might be.
it's okay to be happy, it'll give me a little time to think.
it's okay to be happy, and not to dwell on what it means.
it's okay to be happy, even if i disagree

it's okay to be happy, as hard as it might be
it's okay to be happy, it'll give me a little time to think.
it's okay to be happy, and even sometimes to run away.
it's okay to be happy, the weaker the will, the weaker the way.


the invisible man (part 2)

as i neared collapse, from wandering and staggering uphill,
i retreated inwards, to find the source of my pathologies.
the list is long:

  • a fear of phones, packaged goods and novelties
  • quick to anger
  • quick to regret
  • far too slow to admit defeat
  • trouble sleeping
  • missing meals
  • obsessed with everyone's privacy
  • no motivation
  • no beliefs
  • the landlord is an absentee

and isn't it just like you said? it doesn't matter what you know, it only matters to be seen.
the invisible man comes into town, decides to hide among the crowds.


fine by myself

when you left so early
i stood there so lonely
kept my mind empty
of the gossip and the drinking
and the conversations bleeding
from their mouths like dreaming
still ignoring the feeling
that the people are thinking

"oh why is he so bitter?
why is he so cold?"
now i'm looking for my sweater
and an opportunity to go

i get along by myself
just fine, i tell myself
i'll be fine by myself
and that's the most selfish/foolish lie i know

my vision of poverty
like a lackluster symphony
i'm capricious on vanity
and i'm terrified of gravity
i dipped my toe in misery
but the waves crashed right over me
now the pressure of breathing
is almost too much for me

'cause i know that i'm weaker
than wood, steel, or stone
i'm mostly made of water
but i'll wear you down i know

i'm scared of getting older
and i'm scared of being alone
i know i'm getting closer
than i ever have before
and it's a miracle
that i can still go on
pretend i'm not afraid
to even talk to you
i'm quaking all the time
and jealous of your face
the smirk you always wear
when i say:

i get along by myself
just fine, i tell myself
and i'll be fine by myself
so i'll ignore the ringing phone and close my eyes


the invisible man (reprise)

the invisible man comes into town, decides to hide among the crowds


no how

sixty days after i made up my mind
the heartless person i wish i was is still so fucking shy
i don't know why.

by the by, and by the book
a drunken phone call at 4am was all the time it took

all the time that i spent, i don't recall what it meant.

sitting at the breakfast table by myself
some dry toast all i can stand
i can't remember what i said last night
but i know it's over now.
i haven't changed since i was a child.
as much as i might deny, i'm still the axis of my world.

at the time, i withheld, but truth be told, i never meant

i've got the when and the where and the why
but i've still got no how

sitting at the breakfast table by myself
some dry toast all i can stand
i can't remember what i said last night,
but i know it's over now.

i've got the when and the where and the why
but i've still got no how.
i've got the when and the where and the why
but i've still got no how.


a moot point, to be sure.

i walked past the motel where i saw you with him last summer
shaking and choking, i could barely find my way home
accepting your excuses - oh the traffic, oh the crowds
my silence was perfect and you hardened your tone

i slept it off
awoke with a scream
your breathing uneven
no thanks to me

we were still looking for what we had left for each other
turns out i didn't have a damn thing left for you
the best thing that i said to you in six months time was goodbye
and that came hardly a moment too soon

how hard we are
when people get soft

i thought i saw you returning the record i gave you for christmas
the hair was different but your indifference was exactly the same

you told the clerk
it just wasn't your type

it seems like my eyes always turn black in the summer
from staring into the sun to keep warm

how hard we are
when people get soft

i walked past the motel where i saw you with him last summer
took the polaroids from my coat and scattered them on the ground
i burnt you an effigy at 3am outside room 47
then shaking and choking, walked away without making a sound


warm regards

i've been dreaming up a life for us all day
you'd be famous, and i'd get carried away
of course i realize that i'm thinking too far ahead
sometimes it's just so much easier to live in a world i've not screwed up yet.

here's hoping that your warm regards can weather my stormy heart

the plan we made to phase it out was brilliant and well conceived
it worked all too perfectly, and now i'm here waiting to be obsolete

here's hoping that your warm regards
can weather my stormy heart


dream caused/interrupted by a phone call

and it wasn't even for me.